The true meaning of "Team"

I had to go to a "team building" session this week. Maybe you've had them in your company, too. It started with a couple hours of the boss's boss giving us a pep talk *YAWN*. But at least they bought lunch.

After lunch, we retired to the gymnasium. Yes, the company has its own gymnasium. Pretty cool, huh? No wonder I like my job. But I digress...

In the gym, we started out with "everyone get a mat and lay down". I thought, "Hey.. this is true team building. An orgy!" You just can't help but get along with someone with whom you've had an orgy.

Well, no such luck. The facilitator led us through all kinds of games to highlight the value of teamwork. Actually he, and the program, were pretty good. I was surprised. But the problem is that pointing out what makes a good team does nothing for making people work as a team. Individual programmers tucked away behind offices and high-walled cubicles do not make a team. Which is fine with me. I don't want to hang out with the people I work with.

So let me tell you how to truly be a team player, BlowHard style, and it probably isn't what you'd expect.

1. Wash your hands after using the restroom... with soap. It amazes me how many people use the restroom and don't wash their hands. Or they rinse their hands and dry them. I'd like to ask those guys, "Would you drink out of the urinal? It's rinsed, just like your hands."
   
   The worse though was a guy who took a crap, rinsed his hands without soap, and then used his hands to get a drink out of the restroom sink. Yuck!!! on many levels.
   
   Even if you didn't piss on your hands, you flushed the toilet, right? And the guy ahead of you probably did piss on his hands before taking hold of that same flush lever. Wash your hands.
   
   Oh, no problem. You didn't flush? Well, you just splashed from a urinal all over your hands, your clothes, and your shoes. And in that splash was a mixture of everything that has gone into the urinal since it was last sanitized - and when do you think that was?
   
   While you can't wash your clothes and shoes at work, you can at least wash your hands. Do it.


2. Men, use the urinal, not the toilet. It is an advantage we have over women that should allow us to have cleaner toilets to sit at when necessary. Don't waste the advantage. And don't be shy. It just makes us think you're under-endowed and you're too embarrassed to stand at the urinal to piss with the rest of us.


3. Flush the toilet/urinal. And check it. If it didn't flush cleanly, do it again. Don't make someone else have to do it for you.


4. Clean up your own trash. If you make a mess, clean it. Have consideration on your teammates who have to use the same kitchen or bathroom facilities behind you.

Get the picture? The working together part will come naturally if you just have basic respect and consideration for your coworkers. It doesn't mean you have to hang out with them after work - I sure don't - but I can work well with them at the office.